Blogger Backgrounds

Friday, February 22, 2013

Where Ever They May Go

Picture from this website.  Another sad story of loss.

Many, many years ago, I found myself wondering about miscarriages and what happens to those little babies.  I have always believed that from the very creation of that tiny little embryo, there is a spirit attached to that microscopic little body.

When that little body dies before it can be born - especially in the early weeks of pregnancy, where does that spirit go?

I never dreamed back then that it would be such a personal subject for me one day.

When I lost my first little forget-me-not, I felt like my world had ended.  After far too many years of infertility, I was finally pregnant with a child that was truly, completely and utterly mine!  It was not my first baby, of course.  My sweet Pirate Munchkin was the product of adoption - something very close to my heart.  But an actual biological child that I would have the chance to grow and nurture with my own body and who would look like me?  That was different!  And to lose it at just 7 weeks was devastating!

I felt so very alone at first.  I knew almost nothing about how many, many people around me had been through the very same thing.

As I poured out my heart to my mother (who had also had a miscarriage, but it was under difficult circumstances and she didn't feel the painful loss with hers that I was feeling), we talked about how I didn't know where my baby was.

That's when she told me about my grandmothers.

My maternal grandmother - her mother - had lost a baby.  She felt afterwards that the spirit of that child was waiting in Heaven for her.  It would not be coming to earth with a body.  That confirmed what I had always figured.

However, my father's mother had a different experience.  She lost a baby before my father was born.  She felt that the spirit attached to that pregnancy was my father.  She believed that he had been called back to the pre-earth world for reasons I won't get into here.  When she got pregnant again, he was ready to be born.

I lost my first pregnancy in February of 2009.  My third pregnancy was lost in January 2012, shortly after Pirate Baby's first birthday.  These first two months of the year always make me edgy now.  Both of my babies are represented by forget-me-not charms that I wear around my neck and almost never take off.

The one on the left is the first - the blue stone represents the month of September, when it was due.  The purple stone for February - when I lost it.  On the right, August due date (green) and January loss (red).

As the time has passed with each of my losses, I have had the opportunity to ponder what I feel whispering  to me from the other side of the separation of earth and the spirit world.

My first loss still breaks my heart every time I think of it.  There is a song that my sweet husband loves, and the rare times he plays it around me, I sob as if I'm right back there in the cold winter months of 2009.  I cry ugly tears and feel like my heart is being ripped right out of my chest.  I cling to that one little flowered pendant through the whole song.  I clearly feel that little spirit at my sister's side in Heaven.  She watches over it for me until I my time comes to join them.  I think it's a boy.

The second one is different.

I didn't feel the same sense of loss with that one.  At first, I believed it was because I had my precious little boy to hold and snuggle when I was upset.  I had to take care of him, and his little smile helped me get through the tough days.  So I wondered right from the start, was this one going to be like my paternal grandmother's experience?  Like my father, was that little spirit called back for reasons I didn't know?  Would I still see that child in this life?

My mother and I discussed the idea of getting another charm for that lost baby.  We decided to do it.  When it arrived, it felt like it belonged with the other one.

As time has gone by however, I don't know if it is necessary.

I have felt for quite some time that there is a little spirit who is very anxious to be born.  I feel it sort of hovering around me, impatiently.  What I DON'T feel is a second spirit by my sister's side.  And I DON'T feel a sense of paralyzing grief when I think of that loss.

One day recently, I was talking with my mother (can you tell she's my best friend?) about being good people so we can be with our loved ones in Heaven.

It just slipped out of my mouth.

While I had felt it for some time, I hadn't really acknowledged it to anyone else.

I said, "I want to be with my sister and my baby."



Were there reasons here in this life why that might not have been the best time for me to be pregnant?  Absolutely!  2012 was a time of EXTREME stress for our family.  Financial issues that came to a rather dramatic end, combined with a very stressful and difficult move.  It had occurred to me in the middle of moving that I was up to my due date.  If that pregnancy had continued, I would have been right at the end of it as we were trying to move our entire household.  Being the time of year it was (harvest season), I had to do almost the entire move by myself.  If I had been pregnant at the time, that would have been impossible.  If I had gone early with that one like I did with Pirate Baby, I would have had TWO babies to take with me as I went back and forth, back and forth with load after load of boxes and furniture.

Clearly, the Lord knew better than I did.

And maybe, like my grandmother felt about my father, that child needed to stay a little longer for reasons in the spirit world.  I will probably never know until my turn comes to join my loved ones in Heaven.

So for now, I wait.

I wait for that little spirit who has been so insistent to join our family here on Earth.

I wait to see what will happen.  Will I leave the 2nd charm on my necklace?  Or when I hold my next child in my arms, will I feel the time has come to remove it?

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Not Always a Good Thing

While long hair can be a really good thing, it's not a look that works on everyone.

Just for fun, let's discuss some celebrities that definitely should NOT have long hair, shall we?

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Here's how he normally looks.  

Here he is with long hair, from the movie Conan the Barbarian from 1982.  

I figured since I listed Jason Momoa in the more recent Conan movie in my last blog, I should include this one for contrast.  So, so, so, so wrong!  Not only does Arnie look HORRIBLE with long hair, they didn't even get the look right!  Conan is supposed to have long BLACK hair, not blonde.  The 1982 version of the movie was horribly written and acted with a blonde Conan.  Everyone involved with that movie should be forced to sit and watch it non-stop for a month as punishment.

George Clooney.

George Clooney is constantly being listed as one of the sexiest men alive.  He's got a rugged handsomeness that lots of women find appealing.  Age has been good to him.  If anything, he gets better looking as time goes by.

George Clooney with long hair.
AAAAAAAAAGH!!  Burn it!  Burn it!

Tom Hanks.

Award winning actor.  Known for being a kind, sensitive kind of guy.

Tom Hanks as a young man with long hair.  
Words cannot express the horror...

Tom Hanks as an old man with long hair.
The horror continues...

Nicolas Cage.

Nicolas Cage gets a lot of flack these days.  I realize he makes lots of goofy faces and has no problem with taking on all kinds of movie roles.  I still like him, and I think he's kind of cute.

He sported long hair for the movie Con Air back in 1997.  It's not horrible, but definitely not the best look for him.

I'm not sure what movie role this might be from, or what on earth made him go for the long hair in this picture, but he even looks confused about the whole thing.

Now a word on John Travolta.
He made a name for himself in the show Welcome Back, Kotter back in the mid 70's.  

This is what he looked like back then.

I was never a big fan of that look.
But as time passed, I realized he was getting better looking as he aged.


I can't say he's continued on that trend over the last decade or so.  He definitely hit his peak at one point and then started going back downhill.  Along the way, we've been treated to some "lovely" long-haired looks.

From the movie Michael back in 1996.

In 1994, Pulp Fiction was a REALLY popular film.  His hair in that movie was greasy and long and just plain gross.

Here it is down.

Even pulling it back in a ponytail didn't help.
Double blech.

So there ya go.  Long hair is not always a good thing.

Now... does anyone know where I can get some eye bleach?

*As in my last blog entry, the pictures here all came from a Google Image Search.  Sorry I didn't take the time to list all the actual sources.