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Monday, September 21, 2009

Late Nights and Sorrow


At the risk of feeling like my heart is breaking, I realize that if I am going to be myself on this blog, there is more to address than just the fun things.

I am the mother of an angel baby.

Far too many years of trying to conceive a child in my first marriage. Then, two and a half very short months into my wonderful marriage with Surfer Pirate, the most amazing news!! We were pregnant. I was so blissfully happy I could hardly stand myself. Surfer Pirate would kiss my belly and talk to the baby every single day.

Then, at 6 short weeks, we went in for an ultrasound. We were so excited! Our first chance to see our little baby. And the worst possible news. They couldn't find the baby. Two radiologists later, ultrasound both externally and internally. Nothing. My doctor had to be called into the office. Ironically, she was attending the funeral of a tiny little baby who had died of SIDS. She tried to give me hope while still preparing me for the impending miscarriage. I researched anything on the internet that would give me hope. I actually found an entire website dedicated to the subject of women who had been misdiagnosed with miscarriage and went on to have completely healthy babies. I knew it was probably the worst thing I could be doing with myself, but I had to have hope. I couldn't sit there and just wait with my devistated, broken heart. Seven days after that horrible ultrasound appointment, the miscarriage started.

So that was it. Essentially a decade of waiting and trying to get pregnant - gone in what felt like an instant.

And I was healing. I was doing better. I've even been seriously considering being done with my counselor visits. But I could never have prepared myself for this week.

The due date would have been this upcoming Friday.

I'm a mess.

Tonight, Surfer Pirate and I had a much-needed childless night. Pirate Munchkin is off with her dad. We were just hanging out and watching movies - a miracle in and of itself - getting Surfer Pirate to sit through ONE movie is tough enough, but I actually got TWO out of him!!! 2nd movie over, smoke break for him, bathroom break for me.

I didn't hear him come back in the house. I didn't hear him switch the TV over to satellite mode. All I heard was a baby crying. Loudly. It sounded like there was a baby crying on my front porch. I was completely frozen. Then, I heard one of his favorite shows on TV. The crying baby was on TV and he had just changed the channel. I stayed in the bathroom and sobbed for what must have been about 10 minutes. When I was eventually able to tell him what had just happened to me - why his wife who had been happy and laughing just 15 minutes earlier was now a blubbering mess, I said to him "That should have been our baby." He's so good to just hold me when I'm like that.

How am I going to get through this next week?

2 comments:

Beth said...

I have no words of comfort, but I offer you sympathy and prayers. I'm sorry.

Rachelle said...

I just jumped to your blog from Babycenter, so I don't know you, but just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But try not to feel bad about remembering your angel baby. I've had two miscarriages (one was actually my youngest son's twin) and I think about them constantly, but especially around the times I found out I was pregnant with them, when I lost them, and when their due date had been. It's hard, but I like to think that my angel babies are up there protecting and watching over me now.