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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Get back in your box already!


It needs to be said. I hate John Mayer.

I hate his voice, I hate his song lyrics, I hate his attitude, I even hate his stupid tattoos!

His voice? Whiny, breathy, and I can't understand a stinkin word he says! I've hated him since the very first time I heard "Your Body is a Wonderland." Sounded like he was saying "your body is a wawalah." Excuse me, what?? There is a whole forum (*note: some of the links in this blog entry have language not suitable for children) that fully describes what I think of his voice. Especially the part about something being in his mouth while he sings.

His song lyrics? Come Back to Bed? Nothing like repeating one line 13 times and another line 8 times in a single song! Did you just run out of lyrics and figured that was good enough? Daughters, No Such Thing, Back To You, Edge of Desire and of course, Your Body is a Wonderland (along with many others) all have one main theme. That theme is "if I can pass myself off as sensitive and wounded, every woman in the world will want me." Yeah, not this woman, dude. The very funny comedian Mike Birgihlia does a great joke that sums up John Mayer's songs in my mind.

His attitude? This covers that pretty well. I would like to think this is one of those cases where the interview was skewed to boost readership, but there are enough cases out there of him acting this way. His recent Playboy interview and later apology for it just adds to the fun. Here is a fun discussion of his behavior.

And his tattoos? Don't get me wrong, I really like tattoos. Surfer Pirate has A LOT of them. But this? On John Mayer??? Mr. Sensitive himself?? Tattoos hurt. While many people will say they're addictive and once you have one, you want more. Okay, I can understand that. But if I were truly to believe that this guy is as sensitive as his song lyrics claim, all I can picture is him crying for his mommy the entire time. And trust me, that sleeve took HOURS. Just further adds to my feeling that the whole sensitive lyrics thing is just a scam.

My sister and I were once discussing him and how annoying he is and how I wish he would just go away. She had such a great way of phrasing things. She said "You know, he just won't stay in that box that I put him in." She WAS the Queen of Everything. She had the power!

All of that said, I do have to admit that he's a pretty talented guitar player. If he could play his guitar with duct tape over his mouth - so I don't have to hear his voice, and a paper bag over his head - so I don't have to see those bizarre faces he makes, I probably wouldn't mind him. But as it is, he can just climb back in his box and I'll just listen to Jimi Hendrix, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Carlos Santana, Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top), Eddie Van Halen, Ottmar Liebert, Steve Vai, BB King, Henry Garza (Los Lonely Boys), Cliff Burton and Kirk Hammett (both of Metallica), and on and on and on and on...

3 comments:

Kate said...

Now this might be kind of anticlimactic after my desperate plea. Haha!

But I REALLY HATE John Mayer. He is just too lame for words. My friend and I have a constant fight going on about him. She claims he is the sexiest thing alive and that if I just saw him perform live in person I would agree. But I tend to agree with you.... at the very least he needs a bag over his head.

Also I am a huge Mike Birbiglia fan and nobody ever knows who he is so I was all excited to see you mention him on your blog.

Wow, thanks for letting me comment! Now go read my blog!

Thora said...

I've never fully understood the obsession with singers suffering from smokers voice or similar raspy, wheesy, conditions.
Gutteral, raspy, harsh, I get, it can be sexy, but some men I just really don't like to listen to.

B said...

I have never seen John Mayer, and didn't even know who he was until you mentioned that stupid song. I hate his songs too! Whenever they come on the radio, I change the station. And now that I've read your blog, and checked out some of those links (like the atrocious interview), I now know that I too DO NOT like this man. What a moron. He should stay in his box for sure.