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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Pirate Family Remodel

We've had some major changes to our little pirate family of cats.

Calico Jackia decided she was done sharing Kitty Queendom with Black Beardette. The war was on! Battles ensued every day. The girl kitties had to be separated to keep them from flogging each other. But it was a miserable existance. The tough decision was made to find Calico Jackia a new ship. It was hard because she was a part of the crew for so long.

Months passed, and Black Beardette had a chance to sneak out of the house and get a taste of the outside world. That was it. She was hooked. She decided to break consort and find her own way in the world. When the pirate dogs were let out, she escaped and never looked back.

With Christmas coming and Pirate Munchkin doing so well in Kindergarten, we decided to get her a new cat. So, our family got a new baby. The new as-yet-un-pirate-named kitten has been a great addition to our family. He thinks I'm his own personal chew toy, but will go limp and sleepy as soon as Pirate Munchkin picks him up.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My New Love

It all started in high school.

I was pretty much a girly-girl growing up. I didn't really climb a tree until I was 13. I didn't make mudpies. Then, my sophomore year of high school, I had Coach Alberta for PE. Mr. Alberta was one of our football coaches, and he decided that we would do football in our PE class. I will love him forever for that! He split us up into regular teams for our "season" and for some reason favored the team I was on. He taught us illegal plays and made sure all the girls got the chance to be quarterback.

Because of dear Coach Alberta, I came to love football.

I had always liked going to football games. My older sister was a band geek, and I loved going to the high school games with her as she played in the marching band. But the Friday night football games were just a social situation. I went to see my friends, flirt with the boys, etc. But once I had some understanding of the game, I would sit and acually watch. In college, I never missed a home game. Superbowl Sunday is practically a national holiday!

After college, I decided that I needed to have an NFL team to regularly follow. (My dear, sweet college team who shall remain nameless will probably forever have a fairly pathetic team, so I needed to have SOME chance to root for a team doing well!) But how do you decide? I respected the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers, but didn't feel much loyalty to either of them. I hated the Denver Broncos, Dallas Cowboys and San Francisco 49ers for reasons I won't get into here. Then, I got married. My (now ex-)husband's team was the Kansas City Chiefs. Not a team known for being big contenders for the Superbowl, but if I chose them, that would eliminate any family competition. I took a couple years to decide. Thanks to Coach Dick Vermeil, Priest Holmes, Dante Hall and Tony Gonzalez, the team was doing very well. My decision was made. I was a loyal Chiefs fan.

Then Coach Vermeil retired.

And then Priest Holmes got hurt.

And then Dante Hall got traded to the Rams.

And then I got a divorce.

And this past year, Tony Gonzalez went to the Falcons.

Did I really want to keep Kansas City as my team? But again, I found myself in the position of how do I pick a new team?

The first key was Tony Gonzalez. How can you not love a football player who spikes the ball over the goalpost when he makes a touchdown?? Plus, he's just a great player. And, to top it off, he and I were born on the exact same day - not just sharing a birthday, but born on the same day in the same year! Somewhere, it was also sitting in the back of my head that my sister's team had been the Falcons, but I couldn't remember for sure. And then I remembered the whole Michael Vick dog fighting fiasco. I remembered my sister saying how embarassed she was that he had played for her team. A quick internet search later, sure enough, Michael Vick was playing for the Falcons at the time. And not only that, but when he got out of jail, he tried to go back to the Falcons. They would not let him play!! SOLD!! The Atlanta Falcons are officially my new NFL team.

Was that a long enough description for you? I rarely do things the easy way. :)

A Little Vacation...

...from the blog. Not from life unfortunately. I wish I could say I've been someplace beautiful like that. But no.

Life has been very crazy and fairly rough over the last few months. My creative writing juices were completely lacking, and I've neglected my blog. But the holiday season is just about over, and things are getting back to a (somewhat) more normal routine. Very soon I will be updating on all the Pirate Family changes, and I'm even going to be starting another blog! Stay tuned...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Late Nights and Sorrow

At the risk of feeling like my heart is breaking, I realize that if I am going to be myself on this blog, there is more to address than just the fun things.

I am the mother of an angel baby.

Far too many years of trying to conceive a child in my first marriage. Then, two and a half very short months into my wonderful marriage with Surfer Pirate, the most amazing news!! We were pregnant. I was so blissfully happy I could hardly stand myself. Surfer Pirate would kiss my belly and talk to the baby every single day.

Then, at 6 short weeks, we went in for an ultrasound. We were so excited! Our first chance to see our little baby. And the worst possible news. They couldn't find the baby. Two radiologists later, ultrasound both externally and internally. Nothing. My doctor had to be called into the office. Ironically, she was attending the funeral of a tiny little baby who had died of SIDS. She tried to give me hope while still preparing me for the impending miscarriage. I researched anything on the internet that would give me hope. I actually found an entire website dedicated to the subject of women who had been misdiagnosed with miscarriage and went on to have completely healthy babies. I knew it was probably the worst thing I could be doing with myself, but I had to have hope. I couldn't sit there and just wait with my devistated, broken heart. Seven days after that horrible ultrasound appointment, the miscarriage started.

So that was it. Essentially a decade of waiting and trying to get pregnant - gone in what felt like an instant.

And I was healing. I was doing better. I've even been seriously considering being done with my counselor visits. But I could never have prepared myself for this week.

The due date would have been this upcoming Friday.

I'm a mess.

Tonight, Surfer Pirate and I had a much-needed childless night. Pirate Munchkin is off with her dad. We were just hanging out and watching movies - a miracle in and of itself - getting Surfer Pirate to sit through ONE movie is tough enough, but I actually got TWO out of him!!! 2nd movie over, smoke break for him, bathroom break for me.

I didn't hear him come back in the house. I didn't hear him switch the TV over to satellite mode. All I heard was a baby crying. Loudly. It sounded like there was a baby crying on my front porch. I was completely frozen. Then, I heard one of his favorite shows on TV. The crying baby was on TV and he had just changed the channel. I stayed in the bathroom and sobbed for what must have been about 10 minutes. When I was eventually able to tell him what had just happened to me - why his wife who had been happy and laughing just 15 minutes earlier was now a blubbering mess, I said to him "That should have been our baby." He's so good to just hold me when I'm like that.

How am I going to get through this next week?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Name Explanations

In coming up with my pirate blog world, I will admit that my original names for the people and dogs in the household were not very creative. Surfer Pirate, Pirate Munchkin, and the dogs Pirate Dog, Pirate Puppy and Pirate Wench Puppy. I'm actually a little embarrassed at how simple the names are. I had to come up with names quickly since I was doing postings about them.

However, when it came to the cats, I was able to put a little more thought into it since they weren't immediately giving me post inspirations. I'm quite proud of what I've come up with, but they must seem a little strange. I feel the need to explain them:

Old Captain Paulsgrave - the blog name of my 12 year old Siamese mix cat. A wise old cat with a long, colorful history. I named him after Paulsgrave Williams who apparently became a pirate at the ripe old age of 38 - midlife crisis, perhaps? He was a silversmith (or goldsmith from one report) who left his wife, children and job to form a partnership with Samuel Bellamy. They started out as treasure hunters, but turned to piracy in the ultimate get-rich-quick-scheme.

Calico Jackia - the blog name for my 9 year old calico cat. She's a very loving and affectionate cat, although quite skittish. She's named for the pirate John Rackham - known as "Calico Jack" because he wore clothing made of calico fabric (what we Americans call muslin). Calico Jack was famous for coming up with the design for the popular Jolly Roger flag, and he is also known for having employed the famous female pirates Mary Read and Anne Bonny.

Black Beardette - a young, feisty black cat who loves to fight with the other cats. She was obviously named after Blackbeard the Pirate. Blackbeard (Edward Teach or Thatch depending on which history you are reading) was the iconic pirate. Fearless and bloodthirsty, he struck terror into the hearts of all who were unfortunate to be plundered by him and his crew.

So, there they are. Eventually, I may find more creative names for the rest of the pirate family.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Smart Camel

Pigskin-picking camel snubs Eagles because of Vick

LACEY TOWNSHIP, N.J. - Philadelphia Eagles fans thirsty for predictions on whether their team will win or lose each week won't get them from a New Jersey pigskin-prognosticating camel. Princess, the star of Popcorn Park Zoo, won't predict the results of any Eagles games this season to protest the signing of quarterback Michael Vick. Vick spent 18 months in prison for organizing a dogfighting ring.

The 2,600-pound camel went 17-4 last year and correctly picked the Pittsburgh Steelers to win the Super Bowl.

The zoo's manager places a graham cracker in each hand, and writes the name of a competing team on each hand. Whichever hand Princess eats from is her "pick."

Meanwhile, a suburban Philadelphia animal welfare group, Main Line Animal Rescue, announced that it plans to donate dog food for every time Vick is tackled.

Can I just say that this article makes me really, really happy?? I love that not only will this sweet camel not pick any Eagles games because of Michael Vick, but Main Line Animal Rescue is going to donate dog food every time he's tackled?? That's wonderful!! I'm personally stunned that the NFL is even allowing him to play! I hope all the opposing teams beat the living crap out of him this year!!

People who do dog fighting have got to be one of the lowest life forms on earth! I have no tolerance for people who harm animals for the sake of making money. These horrible people have been the main issue in villainizing pit bulls. At the risk of losing a little anonymity on my blog, I feel the need to say that Pirate Wench Puppy is a pit bull. She is the sweetest and most gentle dog I've ever met. We like to say that she's our vicious little ball of love and kisses. I've also fostered a pit who was also just a sweet, gentle and loving dog. For anyone who is afraid of pits because of the reputation caused by a few horrible, evil people - don't be. Pits are loyal, loving, gentle creatures, and like any other animal, they only become dangerous when trained or forced into it. Have you hugged your pit bull today? I have! :)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I love this guy!

One of the major disadvantages of living in Montana is the lack of great restaurants like Jack in the Box.

Now, I had eaten at Jack in the Box on occasion when my ex-husband and I would travel. We regularly stayed at the Motel 6 in Idaho Falls, and the Jack in the Box was right across the parking lot. I'd had just some regular burger and fries kind of things, and I'd even had a pretty tasty breakfast sandwich and smoothie one time. Good stuff, but didn't seem very special to me.

And then I married a Californian...

Surfer Pirate had learned YEARS earlier the joys of Jack in the Box - especially during late nights. We were on vacation in Washington and we stopped to visit Jack. On his suggestion, I tried the tacos, and because I'm me, I had to try the eggrolls. (A little confession here. I am an eggroll addict. I've tried them just about everywhere I can. Most Chinese restaurants I've been to have fairly decent ones - as long as they're freshly cooked, something that doesn't always happen when you're at a buffet place. My favorite ones until now are made by a local family. They used to have a restaurant so you could buy them any day, but now they mostly just opperate out of the trailers you see at fairs and festivals. I have to keep my eyes open for them and buy them any chance I get. I have now discovered that Jack in the Box eggrolls are a VERY close second to the wonderful locally made ones.) We also had to try the terijaki bowl. Any given bite of these three menu items are just a little bit of heaven!

So, being stuck in Montana, Jack in the Box is just a distant dream. We had to take a quick over-night trip to Idaho this weekend, and one of the highlights of our trip was getting my Jack in the Box fix! Of course I had to have my three favorites. I gorged myself on their crispy, flavorful tacos, the amazing teriyaki bowl, and of course my favorite - the eggrolls. I was stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey, but happy as can be!

Someone, oh someone please??? Open a Jack in the Box in my city! I will be your customer for life!!

I also have to pay tribute to the joy that is the Cherry Limeade at Sonic. Again, something we don't have here - although they've opened one in Great Falls and we keep hearing rumors of one opening here soon. The 44 oz Cherry Limeade was a refreshing addition to my wonderful Jack in the Box meal, and I did make sure we made a special trip to Sonic first to make sure I got that fix as well! :)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Yay for Duct Tape!!!

I'm having a bad day, so I think it's a good day for a stupid criminal story:

US judge orders defendant's mouth sealed with duct tape to silence outbursts in court

A judge unhappy with repeated interruptions from a robbery suspect ordered a deputy to put duct tape over the defendant's mouth.

(City) Municipal Court (Judge's Name) says the taping last Thursday was the best way to restore order at a hearing for 51-year-old (Stupid Criminal) of (city), The (newspaper name) reported.

(Stupid Criminal) complained that his court-appointed attorney wasn't prepared and angered the judge with interruptions. After a warning, the judge told the bailiff to tape (Stupid Criminal)'s mouth shut.

When the tape was removed, the defendant said the judge wasn't being respectful. The judge ended the hearing and sent the case to a grand jury.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Too Tired to Care

Just one of those weeks. Too much going on, so I'm drained.

Pirate Munchkin started kindergarten this week. There were two classes, and of course we ended up with the teacher with the really long last name. Oh well, she's nice, and I think she'll be a good teacher. Munchkin is coming home with great stories about all the things she's learning. She's already made some new friends. Next week's challenge? HOT LUNCH!

Surfer Pirate may be getting a raise!!! We hope to hear about it within the next few days, but it looks pretty promising. That will make life a lot easier around here. And they'll finally be paying him what he deserves.

Meanwhile, I'm officially looking for work. I got a referral for a job with an RV company, and I'm pretty hopeful about that one. Supposedly, they're pretty flexible about hours, and I'm even thinking of looking into telecommuting with them. That way, I could work there while Pirate Munchkin is in school, and work at home the rest of the day. But considering I haven't even had an interview yet, I'm sort of jumping the gun. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

For those who haven't yet discovered the joys of Facebook, I have to put my little plug in for it. I've been on there for about a year and a half now, and the thing I have discovered is that finding long-lost friends is like Christmas!! My senior year of high school, I was going through a pretty tough time. I had two main friends who got me through it. They were my strength and kept me sane. I lost contact with both of them due to my first marriage. (The ex was very jealous, and both of these friends are male.) I had hoped to see these guys at our 10 year reunion, but no such luck. I managed to track down one of them a couple of years ago through one of his relatives, and I've enjoyed having him back in my life. But I've still had kind of a hole in my life from my other missing friend. Last week, I saw that I had a friend request on Facebook. There he was!!! I was so excited I was practically bouncing! I was stunned to find out he's been back in town for a couple of years, and acutally lives pretty close to me!!! We were able to get together and do some catching up. I'm just so thrilled to have these two great friends back in my life. Isn't the internet great?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Pirate Family Drama

I did not sleep well last night. Pirate animals of all shapes and sizes were making noise, making messes, licking, etc. to the point that I couldn't stay asleep for more than 10-20 minutes at a time. I eventually moved out to the pirate couch and ended up with a sleep mask AND earplugs! It was bad. Around 5:30 or so, I finally slept deeper, only to be awake again at 7, and 8. After the 8:00 period of crabby wakefulness, I slept pretty well until 10:30.

Anyway, what woke me at 8 was Pirate Munchkin playing in her room. Apparently she had Black Beardette (our youngest pirate cat) in the room with her because all I could hear was giggling. The giggling continued until I heard an "Ouch". Then more giggling. I figured things were fine and went back to sleep.

When I finally got up, I was faced with a very sad and sullen 5 year old. Very seriously, she said to me "Mom. I have something to tell you. Black Beardette hurt my feelings. She broke my heart and my spirit." Of course, this must be taken very seriously! When asked what happened, Pirate Munchkin told me that she didn't pick up the cat or anything! Black Beardette came up to her and scratched her on her face ALL ON HER OWN!! Pirate Munchkin got a hug and a kiss, and Black Beardette got a mild lecture on being nice.

Pirate Munchkin has been told repeatedly not not pick up Black Beardette. She's the only cat that isn't declawed, and she still has sharp little kitten claws. Pirate Munchkin loves the cat more than just about anything. She got the lovely trait (from her mother, I had the same problem as a kid) of loving animals to the point of torture. Needless to say, when Black Beardette gets picked up and she doesn't want to be, she responds with her claws. Telling Pirate Munchkin to quit picking her up doesn't seem to work, so I just let natural consequences take place. I have a feeling that's what happened this morning. And because of the giggles that followed the ouch, I feel pretty safe that Pirate Munchkin's heart and spirit are just fine! :)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

My Pirate Heros!!

I can't even begin to express how happy this makes me! The geniuses who came up with International Talk Like a Pirate Day have written a new book! I cannot wait to read it!! Check out their website here.

And don't forget, International Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19th!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Puppy Love

It just has to be said. Pirate Puppy purrs when he gets snuggles. At first, we thought he was growling, but he doesn't show his teeth. When you get really close to him, and give him hugs and kisses, he lets out this low growl sound. Very weird.

I haven't decided on Pirate names for the other pets yet, but the dogs are Pirate Dog, Pirate Puppy, and Pirate Wench Puppy. Pirate Dog is 6 or 7, we're not sure. He was a pound rescue dog. Pirate Puppy is MY baby, and while he's only 6 months old, he now weighs over 60 pounds! And he's not done yet. We estimate he'll be around 160-180 by the time he's done! Pirate Wench Puppy is my husband's dream dog. She's 9 months old and is madly in love with her human daddy. She even sleeps between us on our bed!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Big Changes

Lately, I've discovered many long, lost friends through the power of the internet. I have found that my friends who have blogs are the ones that I feel like I've been able to catch up with the most. So, for my friends who would like to catch up with my family - as well as new friends who are just getting to know me, I'm going to give up some anonymity and make this blog out to be about my real life.

I also have learned how precious these blogs can be considering I recently lost my dear sister to cancer. Her blog is a great comfort to me as I go back and re-read her entries.

Don't get me wrong. Any weird news articles and dumb criminal stories will continue. They are some of my favorite humor afterall! And pirates continue to be a great source of entertainment for me. They will live on forever!

Anyway, so I'm in my early 30's. A newlywed of 10 months, and blissfully happy about that! My husband is a California surfer who has been transplanted far from his beautiful ocean to the land-locked state of Montana. I have a precious 5 year old daughter through my first marriage, and a very special little step-daughter. We have our own household zoo that despite our efforts to maintain a control on the amount of animals in the house, it keeps growing. Mostly because my husband and I are both fierce animal lovers, and our home just isn't complete without them. I'm sure our little furry (and non-furry) babies will be great sources of entertainment as I write this blog.

So drop anchor me hearties, and I shall summon the cabin boy and we will splice the membraine together!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The big debate

Okay, so here's the deal. I haven't posted much because I'm still not sure what this blog is really for. I sort of want to remain completely anonymous, but at the same time, I really enjoy reading what goes on in the lives of my friends. While my life isn't all that exciting or interesting, maybe my friends might like to read about me? I don't know. I think this probably means I'm going to start incorporating more of my life into my blog. But, of course, I can't ignore my weird news articles or stupid criminal stories. I live for that stuff!

Meanwhile, I can't go to bed yet (I'll get to the reason why shortly), so I'll put some thoughts down for now.

So, I seriously like the ship in this picture, but it just seems so wrong to have the telephone wires in the background. Destroys the image of feeling like you're back in the good ol' days of the pirates (I must state now that Somali pirates? Bad, bad, bad. Don't like them. Does that make me a hypocrite? I don't care.)

So, it's 12:30, and I can't go to bed. Why? Because I have to wait for the dryer to finish its cycle. Seems like I do that waaaaay too often. I'm really good at doing laundry during the day, but then comes grub time and time with the buckaneers and I forget that I have things that have to be dried before the day is over. So I'm stuck waiting for a red load to dry. But at least I will have a nice and warm, clean, fuzzy blanket that smells like dryer sheets to snuggle up with tonight. Nothing better than the smell of clean bedding!

What else? Pirate Dog and Pirate Puppy are dreaming at the same time. I think Pirate Dog is chasing rabbits in his sleep because his legs are moving really fast. Pirate Puppy is growling, so he must be dreaming of other dogs outside or maybe someone's walking cane. He seems to have issues with canes. Not fun when you don't know that and have just finished telling someone what a friendly dog he is!

Other than that, I must say that even pirates are prone to mosquito bites. Must mean I'm spending too much time on shore. But, let me tell you, my tan looks fantastic!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Police in south-central [State] say a drunken driver who was speeding in a police station parking lot and stopped his car between two marked cruisers so he could take a nap has been arrested. [City] police Chief [Name] said the 37-year-old man caught the attention of an officer Sunday night.

He said the officer saw the man park in a space reserved for police cars, turn off his headlights, recline his seat and close his eyes.

He said when the officer approached the car to check on the man he saw an empty vodka bottle on the floor and found a pipe with traces of marijuana.

The man has been charged with driving under the influence and possessing drug paraphernalia.

Oh how I loooove dumb criminals!!! So, you've just polished off a bottle of vodka and have smoked a bowl or two. Sounds like a great time to go for a cruise! Where better than the parking lot of your friendly neighborhood police department! After driving around for a while, you get a little sleepy. Okay, so just pull into a parking space and take a little nap. Never mind that the parking space with a big "Reserved for Police Department". That just means "please snooze here"! And all those red and blue lights on the neighboring cars? Night lights! So, sleep peacefully, little drunk. When you wake up, you'll have a chance for a nice, long rest in a jail cell.

Friday, May 15, 2009

People with too much money

A pilot who landed his four-seat airplane on an [state] golf course so his 14-year-old son wouldn't be late for a tennis lesson has been sentenced to 18 months of court supervision.

[place where people with too much money live] resident [man with too much money] pleaded guilty Wednesday to criminal trespass and disorderly conduct. [p.w.p.w.t.m.m.l. judge's name] also ordered the 66-year-old to pay a $500 fine and perform 60 hours of community service.

No one was injured in March 2008 when [m.w.t.m.m.] landed on a golf course in [p.w.p.w.t.m.m.l.]without permission. Police stopped [m.w.t.m.m.] and his son as they were walking to a nearby tennis club.

[judge] told [m.w.t.m.m.] to stay away from the golf course. [m.w.t.m.m.] is still subject to any action by the Federal Aviation Administration.

Okay, SERIOUSLY???? I already have a bit of a prejudice against golf courses and their members due to something that happened with my family years ago, but that's a whole other story. I realize that not everyone who are members of golf courses are spoiled rotten, but this is one of those cases of the people I can't stand. Your poor precious little boy is going to be late for his golf lesson?? Oh, that's horrible! CERTAINLY, you may take matters into your own hands by flying your precious son to his lesson in your modest little plane. Does this guy have a landing strip in his back yard as well? Otherwise, he probably had to drive to whatever little airport where he stores his plane, and in that case, couldn't he have just driven to the golf course like a normal human being? And what does he plan to do if his son is late for school? Land a helicopter on the roof of the school?? Probably.

Some people should just not be allowed to have money. They should just give it to me.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Be afraid! Be VERY afraid!

NORTH EAST, Pa. (AP) -- Police in northwestern Pennsylvania say a burglar took some jellybeans from a home - but nothing else. Police said Thursday that they are stumped by the burglary in North East Township. Sgt. Mark Zaleski said it remains unclear whether the suspect wanted only jellybeans. Or maybe that's all the thief had time to grab.

Police said the burglar broke a front door window Friday night and took the jellybeans from a dining room table. The homeowner reported that nothing else was missing or even moved.

I see a potential sling of serial burglaries. The Sweet Tooth Bandit. He breaks into your home and steals your tasty snacks! Everyone lock up your valuable candies, cakes and cookies!!! NO ONE IS SAFE!!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Um... dear? Is there anything you need to tell me?

Okay, so I know this story has been on MANY other posts, but it's just so darn funny I can't help myself. It fits in so well with my stupid news stuff.

I especially like how the neighbor's wife consents to this whole thing even though she KNOWS that her husband is sterile! I like the simplicity of how they put it in the article "When his own wife objected". I can just picture that conversation.

Guess what honey?


You know our neighbor and his hot wife? Turns out that he's sterile, and he figures since our kids turned out so cute, he wants to pay me $2500 to impregnate his wife! Isn't that GREAT???

Um... honey... I don't think that's a very good idea... the kids... um... they're.. not... um... you're not... um...

"I don't like this any more than you. I'm simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."

So, eventually, she consented. Do you think she was planning on using some of the money to buy some sexy outfit to wear for the REAL father of their children?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

One Heck of a Boob Job

A [Foreign Country] man accused of using veterinary equipment to perform cosmetic surgery is in the doghouse. [Foreign Name] regional police said they arrested the 63-year-old [Foreign City] native for allegedly practicing medicine without a license in filthy conditions at his home.

The police said in a statement released Wednesday that the man charged his human patients between euro250 and euro500 ($330 to $660) to perform breast or buttocks implants and used a veterinary tool normally used to inject animals.

The police statement said the bogus doctor worked in the company of his three dogs, a cat and a parrot.

Police arrested the man Friday after authorities received a complaint about a shoddy breast implant.

Not to imply that this particular doctor did the lovely surgeries in the picture above, but wouldn't that be scary if he did? I'm not sure which is worse, the story or the picture! Yikes!!

That just reminds me of a comment made by a co-worker once. One of our other co-workers was planning a trip to the beach, and we were teasing him about being careful about girls with a boob-job. Co-Worker #2 asked Co-Worker #1 how to tell if they're real or not. C1's comment was "If she lays down on the beach, and her boobs don't, they're fake." We all had a good laugh over that one!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Stupid People are funny

Okay, so I have no idea what this blog is going to be about. I actually just signed up for it so I can post comments on someone else's blog. But I love stupid criminal stories and have this strange urge to share them with the world, so here's a good one that I read recently. I don't want to have someone mad at me for using real names and locations, so I'm removing those to protect the not-so-innocent (even though you can get the un-edited version on the web):

A 28-year-old man has been charged with drunken driving after crashing his motorized bar stool, [state] authorities said.
Police in [small town], 30 miles east of [random city], say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower.
Police released the 911 tapes, revealing the calm exchange between the driver's friend and the dispatcher.

"I got a friend who wrecked a bar stool," the caller said.
When asked by the dispatcher whether he hit his head inside the bar, the friend replied, "Um, no, he was riding the bar stool ... a motorized bar stool."
[Interesting drunk, to be further known as I.D.], the bar-stool rider, was hospitalized for minor injuries.

During an interview after his crash, [I.D.] told the reporter, "I drank quite a bit after I wrecked."
Police say he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers.
[I.D.] told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph.
[I.D.] has pleaded not guilty and has requested a jury trial.

Now, I certainly have a lot of friends who drink - although thankfully, most of them know better than to get behind the wheel when they do. Around here, it's not unheard of to find out that someone has been caught driving drunk on a tractor. But you have to appreciate the concept of driving home drunk on the very type of furniture you were on when you became drunk in the first place. I wonder what the mind-set was when the motorized barstool was being built. If nothing else, he would certainly have to be an intersting person to get to know. Just saying...